Holiday Stuff - by Robin Gorman Newman

(me and my dad)

The holidays always bring up "stuff" for me. Starting with Thanksgiving until New Year's.

My beloved mom passed away 1/3/98, and it's never been the same without her. Hard to believe it will be over 10 years in 2009 since she is gone.

Growing up as a kid, my mom would spend considerable time preparing holiday meals. I'm not sure, quite honestly, if she loved cooking, but it was tradition. And, it's a memory I'll forever preserve.

I remember well her stuffing. She made it with matzoh, which always felt like it was her secret ingredient. And, she had a "famous" pumpkin bread. My husband has since assumed the tradition of making it, and it means a great deal to me. He has taken certain creative liberties with it, and mixes up the types of chocolate chips used. Dark, milk and white. One year he even baked it with M&Ms, and my mom would have been proud to see him paying tribute to her in such a festive way.

Earlier this week, my husband baked a bunch of loaves...he brought one to work...and gave others to my dad, who is so grateful. My son helped by tossing the chips into the batter...munching on a few as he went along. He was so sweet, literally, to see them team up. It was as of my mom was looking down on them and smiling.

One of the challenges I face with the holidays is the emotional "stuff" it brings up for me due to the loss of my mom. And, on top of that, my sister and her family are away for Thanksgiving, and my husband's brother and his family made plans with friends, so I don't feel enveloped by those I grew up with, other than my dad. So, we'll have a low key celebration here with my father and Marc's mother (his dad passed away).

I have to admit, though, that I do get some pangs of jealousy when I hear of others having major family gatherings. I wonder what that is like. Do they take it for granted? Do they enjoy, or is it a chore to them? Does it feel special?

I don't have any cousins, aunts, etc. sadly, who I am close with. So, inviting extended family is not a viable or appealing option.

One of my friends said to me that I should work on creating new tradition. So, I reached out to one friend to see what they are doing for the holiday, and they, too, are going away. Others already have commitments, and I don't feel inclined to have just anyone over for the sake of it. It is a lot of work...all the setup, preparation, etc.

But, I do endeavor to get together with friends in the future for celebrations. I've always thought it would be so nice to be invited somewhere, but that doesn't often happen. My sister never makes a holiday (or birthday) meal (it's not her thing to have people over), and my brother and sister in law are often away with their three kids since they play sports. They have invited us for the Jewish holidays in the past.

So, I try to be strong, and not let all my sentimental "stuff" get the better of me this time of the year. It can be bittersweet, but I'm grateful to have my own family and to create memories for my son that he will always cherish, as I did growing up.

Do you find that the holidays open wounds for you? How do you deal with it? Do you endeavor to create new tradition for yourself and/or your family?

Confessions of a Control Craver

Having control, or at least the delusion of having it, has always felt important to me. It's part of my emotional "stuff." It makes me feel (falsely) secure, at least for the moment. I hang on to it like a trusted pair of my old weather-beaten clogs that I can't bear to part with. (OK...yes...I'm a "closet" clog collector.)

But, really who has control, and why do we need it?

This past week I felt so tested in that arena.

I was planning a trip and stressing out over getting the lowest airline fare I could find. Suddenly, overnight, the rates jumped up big time, and I couldn't shake the feeling of failure that came over me. I had missed the bargain boat, so to speak. Because I didn't jump on getting the tickets right away, the price had now surpassed what I was willing to pay. After beating myself up about it (I'm real good at that), a friend suggested I check another website for rates and explore other potential routes. I wound up getting even better flights than I had originally planned and learned a lot in the process. It still cost a bit more than the original fare, but ultimately, these flights were better choices and worth the additional money.

So, what was my takeaway from the situation?

Firstly, I learned that you want to check the airline websites directly and not just discount sites like Expedia, Orbitz, etc.

More importantly, for my life overall, I realized yet again how I need to surrender to the universe. Everything in life happens for a reason, even if we don't know why at the moment. And, while not everything seems good or justified, there is more going on behind the scenes than we are typically privvy to. I'm not saying we deserve all that happens to us, and there is a lot of suffering in the world, which I'll never fully grasp. But, there are forces around us at work, and it can take some time until we see the bigger picture.

Part of this is learning to let go.

I blogged previously about our nanny...but feel compelled to bring it up again. We had a nanny for over four years who left two weeks ago. It wasn't planned. But, it was some time in the coming, and the time just became now. Things weren't clicking anymore with her and my son. She was fabulous when he was a baby, but now, as a five year old, he is a challenge in a different way. And, it was beyond her capacity to cope with him.

Unfortunately, it ended in more of a drama than I ever would have anticipated. I always thought that somehow we'd stay friends. But, that's sadly not likely to be the case.

So, things feel different around here. We're all adjusting. My son, who can't really express it, has been having nightmares and being more needy than usual. I sensed that deep down he was struggling with the situation. It is a loss for him...and a big one. Almost like a death.

So, we've been reassuring him that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere, to try and help him regain his sense of security.

I, too, am now taking on more tasks in the home, in addition to feeling like I'm now racing the clock until he gets home from school.

I know I can rise to the occasion, but I've been doing it a bit kicking 'n screaming (not literally). Fighting the responsibility on one hand, yet being proud of myself for moving on and not looking back.

Ultimately, I know we'll all be better for it. We're going to put my son in an after school program for a couple of days, which we think he'll love. And, this will buy me more time to work until he gets home.

Sometimes things have to feel a little "odd" or out of our comfort zone, but from it comes growth in ways we might not anticipate.