See, my family operated from a place of feeling like there wasn't enough - not enough food (leading to body image and food issues), not enough love (leading to codependency and love addiction issues), not enough money (leading to general feelings of financial insecurity, alternating with periods of wanton fiscal recklessness). I think this is why I really began to drink. I was always afraid there wasn't going to be enough, and I began drinking because it quieted the noise in my head around how afraid I was that there wasn't going to be enough, which eventually morphed into the BIG fear that somehow I wasn't ever going to be enough. I also drank from that place that fear of not having enough generated - the place of always wanting more. More food, more money, more love, more attention, more more MORE.
When I'm with my family, all that STUFF comes right back up to the surface. At one point yesterday, my three sisters went off to get lunch and dinner from Whole Foods. A sweet gesture, in and of itself and without all the background noise from our family history. In my crazy head, all I could think was, "Why did they leave without ME? Are they talking about me behind my back? How is it that I ended up left behind with the kids? Do they still not take me seriously as one of the adults?" Later that afternoon, one of my sisters suggested a prayer circle. When we were done, I suggested we all reveal to each other our deepest desires, so that we could pray for each other in the coming year. Patiently, I encouraged them each to share their deepest desires, and they did.
Right before it came to my turn, my sister's husband peeled around the corner and blazed up the driveway. (His son had gotten sick in the movie theater, and he had left the other five of our children behind in the theater with my 13 year old niece.) I realized before he had even turned off the car that there was no way he could have all the kids in the car, and so someone was back at the theater alone and without a grown up. My coat was on and the keys in my hand before I even had time to grieve the fact that yet again, I had put the deepest desires of my family before my own.
The happy ending to the story - all the children were safe and sound. And so was I. I am blessed to have developed a relationship with God and the Universe and many, many beautiful people in my life so that I know my deepest desires are taken care of. I choose to believe that this is why the Universe chose that moment to remove me from the prayer circle. It was a test of my faith in the Universe. A test of my willingness to receive all the deepest desires of the people in my family, without needing to give anything of mine at all.
In the past, my family has accused me of being selfish. Truth be told, I spent the entire day thinking of my family, what I could do for them, how I could serve them, what they might need to say, to do, to receive. I went from sitting in one sister's church listening to her sing, which I knew meant the world to her, to sitting with another sister, giving her my full attention as she explained the difficulties she'd been facing over the past few months, without sharing any of my own, to sitting in prayer circle with the three of them, receiving all their deepest desires without having to put mine on the table.
Because I'm good. I think I've finally grown up. And I can take care of myself and my family - old and new - with a whole lot of help from God and my friends.
Love you all,
Liimu
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